A Life Without

I'm sitting here, watching her die.

Day by day she loses strength

Day by day I lose my faith.

I ask mom if she's afraid to go,

She quickly replies with a simple, "No"

If her time is drawing near,

These is nothing in Heaven that she should fear

This I believe with all my heart,

Yet I still can't imagine being apart.

Selfish thoughts clutter my mind

Like, "Could I plan my wedding knowing

that she is not by my side?"

I want my mom to meet my kids

and share the same love that I will have for them.

In my twenties, I'm still too young 

to experience life without direction.

All these troubles are in my head

But I am afraid they will become reality instead.

Regardless of my mothers fate,

I have been taught to appreciate.

Appreciate gifts given from above-

Appreciate time, family, and love.

Because in the end it's all we need

to understand God's will and eternally succeed.

In July of 2012, my mother lost her battle to pancreatic cancer at the young age of 48. The fears and reality expressed in this poem were written in the summer of 2011. Exactly one year prior to her passing. Despite warnings and predictions from countless doctors, losing your mother is a heart-breaking experience that no one will ever be completely prepared to handle. Everyone has a leader or role-model who they admire and look to for advice, direction, and comfort after a difficult day. This person for me, was my mom.

 Before I continue with this explanation, it is important to note that my internship opportunity has lead me back home for a year where I can spend time with my family (Dad, brother, and grandmother) and help everyone talk through the pain, cry about the loneliness, and learn to laugh about the wonderful memories that we've been left.

Grief. It is a process that we all will go through during our life here on Earth. As a result of my moms death, this is a lesson I have learned first hand. Grief is unique to each person and there is absolutely no time frame on the grieving process. More specifically, the grieving process looks differently for each person.One of the most truthful quotes I've read states,

"Grief is universal. At the same time it is extremely personal."

Some people retreat and like to have time of solitude, some get angry, while others fill the void with lots of activities in an effort to avoid having to pause and think about reality. All of these reactions are normal and are actually a healthy sign of healing.

It has now been over six months since I said goodbye to the most inspiring woman I know. C.S. Lewis put it best when he wrote that losing a loved one is like having your leg amputated. You don't get over an amputated leg. The wound may heal, but the leg will never grow back. You'll always have that absence in your life, and you'll always walk with a limp. However....YOU WILL WALK.

My family and I have been through all stages of the grieving process and still have down days along the way, but the most eye opening moment I've experienced is the reality that life doesn't stop even in the middle of heartache.

If you would have asked me 6 months ago how I saw the future I honestly couldn't have told you. I could not imagine how I could carry on without the person I've always admired and turned to for everything. I'm still not a fortunately teller, however I am so thankful that despite the rockiness and personal battles we endeavor in our life, I can tell you that THERE IS HOPE. Despite how dark some moments may feel, I believe with all my heart that joy CAN BE and WILL be present if you fix your eyes upon the Creator and dwell in His promises.

None of us are exempt from trials and tribulation. We ALL experience difficult times, however it's how we choose to handle those moments that ultimately define who we are and WHOSE we are. I choose not to go through life alone and I encourage you to do the same simply by seeking God's face and casting your worries, doubts, fears, and heartache upon the Lord. Praise be to God for loving us unconditionally and being a God who is both tender and mighty at the same moment.

Go ahead and read Isaiah 40:18-31. You won't be disappointed.

love love

-jpr-